Begin Again

And so ends
Another
New beginning.
Now
We must continue
Every day
Every moment
To remember
We only
Have now
Another
New beginning.

Growth

Once again
I find myself
Searching
For something
That might
Change me.
Change the way
I walk,
The way
I move,
The way I look at myself.
Change how I carry
Myself.
Where to begin?
Somehow
I will grow.
Somehow
I will become
The man
I long
To be.

Again...

Around
And around
Always rolling
In circles,
Though sometimes
We feel
We are somewhere
New
We end up
In the same
Old place.

Press

Smile
Put on your mask
For the world to see.
They are watching
After all.
Answer their questions
In just the right way
Crack a joke
Listen
As stale laughter
Fills the air
Maybe
Even a little too loudly.
Thank you.
Turn around
Breathe out.
Now
Time for reality.

Prepare for Battle

We press onward
Though we know not
What lies before us.
We prepare
For the worst,
Hope for the best
And determine
To fight
Despite what may come.
We will utilize
All our strength,
All our cunning
To ensure
We bring nothing
But our best,
For nothing else
Will lead us
To victory.
We must prevail.

Looking down to look up

Small laughter
filling the air
with the sound
of unrestrained
joy.
An everlasting
smile
beaming
brightening
a little face.
A heart
overflowing
with love
even if
undeserved.
A role model
though undeveloped
un-achieving
inexperienced,
but more pure
than anyone
could hope.
This
is how we
should aspire
to love.

I'm hungry...

Emptiness
Filling me
From within.
Where has it come from?
Why
Does it consume me?
I must fight
Search
For what can fulfill
The longing
That has overwhelmed
Drained me
Of life.

Circles

Long journeys ahead
Others behind
All for growth,
Becoming what
You long to be
Releasing what
You no longer want
This is progress.
Though sometimes
It feels
As if I have traveled
Just to end up
Back where I began.

TV can ruin your fun

A brief moment
Where I can breathe
No longer crushed
By life.
I am free!
Free to live
To enjoy the world
To explore
Discover new places
New sites
New abilities
I never knew I had before.
But instead
I sit
Sedentary
Watching a screen.

Watching...

Endless images
Run through my mind
My eyes
Glossy
Fixed on a frame
Of nothingness.
Consciousness lost
For brief moments
Or hours
Time flees
Without even
A second glance
The moments
Disappear.

Art

Strips of color bright
Filling foggy space with hues
Endless mystery

Repeat

Fade away
Slowly,
Not a notice
Of the atrophy.
Where have I gone?
What have I done?
It seemed
Only yesterday
That I had just begun.
But now
I am lost
And searching
In vein.
Now I must start
All over
Again.

Thoughts

Thoughts
Running through my mind
Though not my own...
As if
Something
Someone
Has taken hold
Of me,
Taken root
In my brain
My body
My soul.
I fight them
And sometimes
I win.
Sometimes.
I feel
Helpless.
But with each
Passing day
I feel
Stronger.
Time does not
Wear me away
But rather
I grow.
One day
Just maybe
I will be free
Again.

I Got Nothin

An empty page
Staring blankly
Back at me.
Oh how I think
I'm clever.
I don't suppose
I even care
If anyone laughs
But me.
So why
Is an empty page
So daunting
When my mind
Cannot bring
A poetic thought
To the screen?
Why does it feel
As if the flashing
Of the cursor
Is like a clock
Ticking away
Reminding me
Of my failure
To create.
Perhaps
If I can be pleased
With making myself
Laugh,
I can make do
With writing down
The random thoughts
That flow
Through my mind,
Space them out,
And call it a poem.
Oh how I think
I'm clever.

A Good Way to End the Day

Long days
Mixing with nights,
Chasing phantoms
To put them to rest,
Continuing on
Into the unknown,
And finding rest.

Expecting nothing,
Yet receiving
More than I had hoped.
You provided
A stomach
Happily fed,
And lips
Joyfully libated.

A day of toil
To an evening
of laughter,
Joy
And new beginnings.

Ode to the Rotting Lemon

"From blossoms
released
by the moonlight,
from an
aroma of exasperated
love,
steeped in fragrance,
yellowness
drifted from the lemon tree,
and from its plantarium
lemons descended to the earth."

Discovery of gold!

The supermarket,

the aisles glowed

with fluorescent tubes;

we opened

two halves

of a wallet,

over-beared plastic

shone 

from the slots

on the sides,

the middle barren

and empty,

lacking bills,

useless, void,

forsaken,

born of my constant, required

spending,

of other groceries,

its yield, feeding us.

Knives

did not slice

anything

in the lemon,

the concealed fruit, hidden,

protecting acid soaked pulp,

mold

formed outside,

destroying,

decaying skins.

So, when you hold

the globe

of an uncut lemon

in a bowl too long,

you ruin

a universe of gold,

a

yellow ball

of acidity,

a molding ball

of the garbage can,

a ray of light that was darkened,

the minute fire extinguished.

Dreaming to Truth

(I'm technically writing this at 0:08 on the 16th, but I'm adjusting the post date for the sake of days as I haven't gone to bed yet...it still counts as the 15th in my mind...)

Long days away,
Missing you.
Fading day,
I'll see you soon.
Maybe one day
I'll be next to you
And never have to say
Goodbye.

Now I must sleep,
And dream of you.
Counting the sheep,
I'll dream very soon.
Hoping dreams seep
Into view
And come true before we say
Goodbye.

Running for miles,
Searching for you.
Enduring trials,
I'll be worthy of you.
I know meanwhile
I will wait for you
And the day we stop saying
Goodbye.

The Truth of a Poet

If I could but stay here
With you in my arms
Until the final sun
Sets upon the horizon,
If I could feel
Only your lips upon mine
And nothing else
Until the end of time,
If I could see
Only your face
And even forsake
The glory of the mountains,
I would abandon all else
And live in pure bliss
Knowing you
I would never miss.

But what has the poet
Truly revealed
Through the lines he wrote
To change how she feels?
He has written a verse
That flows beautifully on
Through the heart and the mind
And caused feelings to spawn
In a way they might never
Have risen before.
But what for?
For a simple statement
That he likes feeling her body?
Or the touch of a kiss
And her beauty used broadly
To imply he would rather
Enjoy her company
And lose all his senses
(He thinks this will never come to be)
Now a warning with poems
Read between the lines
For poets are known to
Tell the truth through lies.

Slowly

Falling back
Into old habits
Or possibly
The lack of habits.
But then again,
Isn't lethargy a habit?
Trapping oneself
In the perpetual
Nothingness...
How do you
Break free of
Such a deceiving
Seemingly harmless
Destruction?

Today,
I have succeeded.
I have stepped beyond
What I am required
And gone beyond.
I have thrown aside
The appeal
Of nothing.
But tomorrow?
I suppose
The old cliché
Became overused
For a reason...
I'll take it
One day
At a time.

Forgiveness

You wait for me
Despite what I have done,
Despite my shortcomings,
Despite all the failure,
All the pain I have caused you,
You still stand
Arms open wide,
Waiting
To pick me up
And spin me in circles
Of pure joy,
Pure love.
I have thrown that love away,
Laughed at it,
Called it useless,
Nothing,
False.
But still you wait.
You wait for me to remember
How you lifted me
From the darkness,
How you showed me a way
When all others
Had fallen from my feet,
How you brought me
Back to solid ground
When I thought
My way was better...
And I paid the price...
Now,
Once again,
I see the loving father
Waiting for his son
To run back
Into his open arms.
But this time,
Let it not be with shame
And regret,
But with love
And joy.

The Truth of Strength

Strength.
The defining feature
Of a real man.
But how many men
Actually show
True strength?
What does it really mean?
Is it the men
With biceps
As big as waists?
The men
Who run
Billion dollar corporations?
The men
Who can speak
And bend others to their will?

Many times
I look at these men
And see power,
But weakness.
I see broken men
Lost in their job,
The gym,
Their influence...
I see men
Who hide behind
Some façade
So others cannot see
How weak they really are.
I see men
Who have given up
On their family,
Left their wife,
Neglected their children.
I cannot claim
These men
Have true strength.

Then I look at other men.
Some might be poor,
Some might be rich,
But they have fought
For what they believe in.
They have not only worked
To provide for their family,
But have provided
A father,
A husband,
A strong foundation.
These men
Show true strength.
Despite the situation,
Despite the mistakes they have made,
Despite everything
That tries to bring them down...
And even more because of this...
They stand tall,
Realize their shortcomings,
Then cast them aside,
Step up to the battle,
And put forth their all.
This is true strength.

Labeled.
Cast aside
Without even a second thought.
They already know
What you are
Just because they
Saw something,
Read some papers,
Saw a diagnosis,
Looked at your tattoos,
Your colored hair,
The clothes you wear...

Whatever it is,
They already know.
So what's the point?
Why even try
If it is always the same?

But that's not what He taught.
He hung out
With the likes of us.
The New Testament equivalent
To the punks,
The addicts,
The rejects.
The ones who have chosen
To let everyone know
We don't have it all together.
Rather than live
Pretending we are righteous,
We have taken on
All our flaws
And let them define us.

But really,
We are all the same.
We are all broken
All sinners
All unworthy of Love.
But in His eyes
All equal
And all precious.

Despite appearances
We are all the same.
All labeled
"Accepted"

The Impossible

(I'm live again...)
--------------------------------------

The economy is down.
The government doesn't help.
There are no jobs.
I'm not qualified.
I don't have time.
I don't have the money.
The system oppresses us.

This is why it is impossible
To live my dreams.

No.

The impossible
Can be possible.
Dreams
Should never
Be put on a shelf,
Left and forgotten.
Dreams
Should be at the core
Of all our hearts,
Driving us
To reach
For something better.
Every day
We should look up
And know
That something new
Is right in front of us,
That opportunity
Does not knock
At your door,
Rather,
You knock
On opportunity's.
Today
Is a day to take control,
Stop living the life
You think you HAVE to live
And start living the life
You WANT to live.
Today
Take a step
Towards freedom.

Freedom
From the restraints of your job,
From your over packed schedule
From debt
From everything that is holding you down.

Take a step today
So tomorrow
You can truly live.

Retroactive:

Stories of giants
Living in the clouds.
Magic beanstalks,
Golden eggs,
Bravery,
Victory.
These are my childhood.
The stories we heard
As we grew into this world.

Now we hear stories
Sometimes still of giants.
But the magic is gone,
Replaced instead
By science.
There must always
Be a reason.
The golden eggs
Have transformed
Often into corrupt dealings.
There seems to be nothing
Of these fairy tales
Left to live.

This is a lie.
We can be brave,
We can search
For a reason to live.
A reason to fight.
We can still achieve goals
If we dare to dream.
But dreams are dangerous.
We may not have to fight dragons,
But we are still afraid
To truly seek
The treasure we desire.

Retroactive post: didn't manage to type poems live the past two days, so I'm typing them up retroactively. They're also not very good. So sorry world...

Lying awake
Missing you,
Though you
Are right beside me.

How can inches
Feel like miles?
How can sheets
Feel like concrete barriers?

But barriers were made
To be torn down.
Walls cannot stand
Forever.

Together
We will destroy
These walls
This is love.

Kids These Days

Blank minds
Blank stares
Blank thoughts
No one cares
To think about
What could be
Or what has come
So hear my plea
The time is now
To view the past
And learn form it
So you can cast
Your dreams upon
The living world
And finally see
Them come unfurled

Be A Man

Growing up they told me
To "be a man"
That I was doing it wrong
And all along the way,
I tried to change.
I hardened my heart
Like Pharaoh
And would not let myself go
Into the world of feelings
Because a man
Can't be dealing with those.
And forget about tears.
If you feel those coming
You just drown them out
With a couple of beers.

A man doesn't share
What's going on in here.
So I isolated myself
Separated from all support
And felt completely alone.
But we were given emotions
By the Almighty,
And we were not meant
To push them away.
They consumed me,
Destroyed me,
Pushed me over
The proverbial edge
Into a pit of despair.
I was all alone there.

I had hidden from myself
For so long
I didn't even know how to feel.
So I turned to pain,
Drawing lines
In my skin
So I could simply feel again.
But darkness will swallow you
If you give if let it thrive.
And I started to wonder
If I even wanted to be alive.

But before I was completely devoured,
The Light came down into my darkness.
Emmanuel in the flesh
Telling me to rest
In His glory.
It was a true man.
A man following the I AM

You see, like King David
He was not afraid to feel
Like Jesus Christ,
He was not afraid to weep and kneel
In front of our Father
And cry out his name.
But don't think for a second these men were sissies.
David fought giants with slings and stones,
Jesus lived knowing his blood would atone
For our sins,
And this man took bullets
To save his friends.

So like Jesus I wept
Crying out Father
Take this cup from my hands
So I can be a real man.
For real men are brave,
They stand between danger
And anyone they can save,
They conquer mountains
And win battles,
They protect with their lives.
They know how to provide
And how to survive.
But most of all they know how to feel
They know how to love
And you are never alone
As a true man of God.

So I will learn how to love,
I will learn how to cry,
I will learn to be strong
Even when I
Am afraid of what
Stands before me
Because
I know what is behind me
Is worth giving my life.
I will learn all these things,
And follow God's plan
So from this day and on
I can say
"I Am That Man"

Night falls
And with it my mind,
Spinning
Into darkness.
Light fades
Slowly at first,
Then
Disappears completely.
I am alone.
I have been forsaken,
Left in the darkness
To wander
Aimlessly
Until I find
Some way
To escape

Flawless is Overrated

When I dreamt of you
Many years ago,
You were perfect.
You could play guitar
To rival the great masters,
Your voice rang through the air
Putting the angels' to shame,
Your body was a canvas
Covered in the tales of your life.

And I found you.
You are perfect.
Though the six strings
Only dance for you
When I play them.
Though your voice
May have less beauty,
The angels in God's presence
Cannot dream of singing
With such joy,
And there is still plenty of room
To finish painting
The masterpiece that is your life.

And beyond even my dreams,
You are perfect.
The thought of you
Makes my heart
Feel like a bubbling river
Full of life,
Laughter,
Joy.

Now I have you
And you are perfect.
If the sunrise
Could make a sound,
It would be the sound
Of your laughter,
Filling the sky
With new light,
New life,
A new day
Full of opportunity,
Second chances
And wonderful surprises.

You are a dream
Walking in reality.
You are perfect.
Though you are not what I expected,
I thank God you are different.
My dreams do not compare
To the woman before me.
For my unbridled imagination
Could never fashion
Such a beauty
Of body
Heart
Or soul.

Recovery

When did 8:00 become sleeping in?
When did only a little tired
Become an acceptable replacement
For wide awake?
Aches and pains
Are starting to become familiar.
A day off
Feels fulfilled
By doing nothing.

There is a fine line
Between complacency
And recovery.
Am I living life?
Or simply being alive?
Carpe diem
Seems to have changed
Into a promotion for lethargy.

Today is the day.
I am young.
And though growing older,
I cannot let time
Rule me.
Instead
I must rule time.

We are given one chance,
One body,
One mind.
We must not only utilize,
But develop.
We must seek
To be better tomorrow
Than we were today.
To grow to new heights,
And overcome old lows.
We can no longer
Let yesterday
Dictate today.
We must seize the day,
Improve ourselves,
And when tomorrow comes,
Do it again.
This is success.

New Year's Resolutions

Everything is gone.
Lost to memory
That will falter,
Left to remain
Only in photographs.
What do we have to show for it?
Pain?
Scars?
Healing wounds?
So we look forward.
We say it is a new year,
A new chance,
A blank slate.
We will write our own history
We will begin a new chapter
We set forth with aspirations
And hopes of creating
A better tomorrow.
We resolve to do something.
And for a while...
We do.

But will it last?
Will I fall into the ranks
Of the majority
Who let their hopes
Their dreams
Fade away another year?
Or will I stand firm,
Pursue my goals
And truly create a new tomorrow?
Only time will tell
If I am real.
But for today...
I will prevail.

A New Project

I know nobody reads these anymore. It's been a few years since I posted anything, so it makes sense. I'm writing this more for my own benefit and to have a good timeline of events...Anyway!

In an effort to be more productive and to stimulate my creativity and general mental well being, I have decided to take on a new project for 2014 (and quite probably beyond if I like it). I will write a poem, song, something along those lines, every day. I will write it live on here (as in write it and immediately post) without any real editing, re-reading or anything. This isn't to be perfect or create a new masterpiece, just simply share some thoughts and feelings and get my creativity working again. So here we go!